The Consultant:  (Pontificatus Chargus)  Is a growing polytypic subspecies Homo Oeconomicus.  Members of this group are characterized only by behavior. Many are perennially undaunted by the fact that they have never done any of the things they consult about (e.g. running a business, managing a project or launching a product) and equally nonchalant about negotiating high paying contracts that specify little (or no) actual work. 

Acutely-polished in appearance and idealistic at heart. Utterly self-convinced that improved perception is the main core component of success for all aspects of any career, brand or business. May hold a rather expensive, albeit unaccredited, certification.

Professional background typically includes forays into performing arts, or (if female) pageants. Likely to employ tactics without strategy.

Begins with the basics. (e.g., Aim Belief Commitment.)

"I want to be your partner in successful communication. It starts with feeling good about yourself and learning the rules until they become second nature."

Excels at Excel. Peddles statistics by the pound. A prolific originator of complicated spreadsheets, that correlate with charts, and graphs.

After several months of swimming upstream against the cash flow, this consultant's efforts finally culminate in their single purpose: DELIVERY OF

THE REPORT. 

Depositing their final check in the bank marks the completion of their natural cycle before they vanish. 

"Face it, numbers are the only bottom-line dynamite that can blast a business out of the Mediocrity Zone.  I Essentially Test Key Performance Indicators, Notice Patterns and Tailor Projections...as in TNT!.... Get it?!!"

Comes complete with DVDs, audio CDs, and poster-sized flowcharts.  Has a book out.  Highly skilled at wielding the Laser Pointer as well as the Easy Answer. Carpe Dinero!

Rather than address the problem at hand, this consultant sells a master strategy designed to build your people into Communication  Management Superstars.  Self Discovery Tests, and Team Building Exercises are staples in his/her well-stocked pantry of canned solutions. Takes great pleasure in imparting anecdotes and acronyms. (e.g. Harmony Elicits Real Distinction!)

"I start off by making them do jumping jacks so they're feeling good!  It's pretty awesome."

Characterized by continual use of the phrase "..you may not even be aware of..." 

This consultant takes a figurative fine-toothed comb and magnifying glass to client's company, derives findings and writes them up in a manner that describes mites on the same scale as  elephants.  Gives many "real life" examples about the ripple or snowball effects of minutiae.

This intensive approach, combined with their access to power may create a police state atmosphere as everyone  begins to fear the Micro-sleuth's ever-growing dossier might be used against them.

"I look at every detail and uncover significant problems that you may not even be aware of."

This nonstandard specimen arrives via the crowded "Road Less Traveled" to make a grand entrance out of Left Field.  (May have mileage on the pinstriped highway as well.)  Either a synthesist or specialist with unconventional charm that carries weight in gaining client confidence.

(Which reminds me: In 1956, Jackie Gleason  auditioned a young singer named Elvis Presley. Gleason's remark mirrored the feelings of a Eccentric's new prospective client: "You must be a star, kid! Nobody else looks like that!")

Though on an alternative route, their value is never
middle-of-the-road.  Either style with no substance or brilliantly effective.  (Brilliant ones are lilly-hearted and tend to undercharge.)

"I came up with a great idea at midnight while I was cooking Mango Vermicelli for the people in my Fencing Class!"

Variations within this subspecies include the "Yes Man" the "Hatchet Man" and the "Henchman."  Reminiscent of a parrot, this consultant's most marked feature is a talent for agreeing with everything that every client says.

Their services are most useful to a business, department or professional that prefers the luxury of pushing a decision or initiative without taking on the burden of accountability or the risk of a career-limiting move.

While smoothly subordinate at work, most Sicko-phants are raconteurs in their off hours. They enjoy regaling their friends, families and acquaintances with office stories about their manipulated fleecing of the egotistical, inept, shortsighted clients.  Ostensibly humorous, the actual purpose of these tales is to illustrate their own superiority.

"That's an incredible insight.  As I see it, your thinking is perfect on this one!   I can't wait to implement your initiative!"

The most aggressive of the subspecies.   Employs goal-oriented interpersonal gamesmanship combined with body language, voice tones and word choices intended to make others look inferior.  Two common tactics are:

1.) Responding to questions in a manner that indicts the intelligence of the person who asked it.

2.) Taking credit for someone else's idea by saying that the exact same thing had occurred to them a long time ago and so they were already in the process of giving the it their consideration.

Although their smugness hints at a substantial background, they are typically the simple product of this short career path: 1.) Get laid off.  2.) Become a consultant.

"Naturally, the optimal model for this challenge is a pre-plan for leveraged business practice maximization combined with incentivized brand-centric 360 degree thinking."

Often described as a contractor. Plain speaking. Demeanor like a teacher.  Practical "look before you leap" approach.  Somewhat solitary personality. Rarely stops for lunch. Gigantic energy level with tremendous stamina for work.

Not always enthusiastic about creating spreadsheets or charts. May at times, gently disagree with client. Takes both direction and correction well.  Brings a choice of conventional, unconventional and in-between solutions to the table.

"I need to get an accurate picture and understand your goals and reasoning. I ask a lot of questions and invest time on research. I don't like illogical creativity, cheap rhetoric, jargon or people who pretend to know things they don't."

1. ‣Don't hire them for things your people have the time and talent to do.
   

2. ‣Start with one contractor and ramp up slowly instead of bringing in several at once.
   

3. ‣Don't bring in anyone until you are well organized and ready.
   

4. ‣Make sure they'll create deliverables you can use.
   

5. ‣Make sure that the contract spells out the scope of the work, the fee structure, deliverables, revisions and all expectations.
   

6. ‣Make sure they understand your company's chain of command, policies and protocols.
   

7. ‣If a senior member sells you, then sends in only junior members, speak up.
   

8. ‣Find a way to keep them well-informed without paying them to sit through excessive meetings.
   

9. ‣If they seem to be over-complicating or over-simplifying things, meet with them to discuss your concerns.
   

10. ‣Don't do their work for them.